Relationship Anarchy — what is it?
Anarchism is the rejection of the idea that others should govern us. Specifically that there is a ruling state that controls and governs it’s citizens. As Noam Chomsky puts it:
“That is what I have always understood to be the essence of anarchism: the conviction that the burden of proof has to be placed on authority, and that it should be dismantled if that burden cannot be met.”
In relationship anarchism then, there is a rejection of the idea that others can or should determine what our relationships, care, or love look like.
“The state is not something which can be destroyed by a revolution, but is a condition, a certain relationship between human beings, a mode of human behaviour; we destroy it by contracting other relationships, by behaving differently.” — Gustav Landauer (1910/2005:165)
The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy — a primer
Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique
“Don’t rank and compare people and relationships — cherish the individual and your connection to them. One person in your life does not need to be named primary for the relationship to be real. Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals.”
Love and respect instead of entitlement
This is about “respecting others’ independence and self-determination. Your feelings for a person or your history together does not make you entitled to command and control a partner to comply with what is considered normal to do in a relationship. Explore how you can engage without stepping over boundaries and personal beliefs. Rather than looking for compromises in every situation, let loved ones choose paths that keep their integrity intact, without letting this mean a crisis for the relationship.”
Find your core set of relationship values
“Find your core set of values and use it for all relationships. Don’t make special rules and exceptions as a way to show people you love them “for real”.”
Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you
“Throughout my life somebody has always tried to set the boundaries of who and what I will be allowed to be […]. What is common to these boundary lines is that their most destructive power lies in what I can be persuaded to do to myself — the walls of fear, shame, and guilt I can be encouraged to build in my own mind. […] I am to hide myself, and hate myself, and never risk exposing what might be true about my life. I have learned through great sorrow that all systems of oppression feed on public silence and private terrorization. […] For all of us, it is the public expression of desire that is embattled, any deviation from what we are supposed to want and be, how we are supposed to behave”. — Dorothy Allison (1995:116–117). There are “a very powerful normative system(s) in play that dictates what real love is, and how people should live”
Build for the lovely unexpected
“Organize based on a wish to meet and explore each other — not on duties and demands and disappointment when they are not met.”
Fake it til’ you make it
“When you are feeling strong and inspired, think about how you would like to see yourself act. Transform that into some simple guidelines, and stick to them when things are rough.”
Trust is better
“Choosing to assume that your partner does not wish you harm leads you down a much more positive path than a distrustful approach where you need to be constantly validated by the other person to trust that they are there with you in the relationship.”
Change through communication
“For most human activities, there is some form of norm in place for how it is supposed to work. If you want to deviate from this pattern, you need to communicate — otherwise things tend to end up just following the norm, as others behave according to it. Communication and joint actions for change is the only way to break away.”
Customize your commitments
“Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything — it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you, and freeing them from norms dictating that certain types of commitments are a requirement for love to be real”
2. Love without borders? Intimacy, identity and the state of compulsory monogamy
“For Deleuze and Guattari, “the operation that constitutes the essence of the State” is overcoding. We all code the world, making sense of things with categories. Overcoding, however, is a claim of authority to impose on others the real or true code, the right way to make sense of life. Whether indigenous, feminine, queer, local, particular, intimate or otherwise ‘Other’, other forms of wisdom, knowledge or storytelling are always dangerous to the State and become targets to overcode, fit, fix. At the same time, the State depends absolutely on these enemies, or as Foucault once put it, “politics is the continuation of war by other means.” ” — Jamie Heckert
