Can we change our relationships by using a new language for them?

5 min readApr 12, 2018

We know that the language that we use limits, influences and modulates our perception of the world. The Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, posits that a) the language categories we deploy are largely arbitrary and b) that these may influence the way speakers perceive their reality.

For example, in Russian, there is no one word for ‘blue’ that covers the range of what english speakers would refer to as blue. Instead they have different terms for different kinds of blue. Evidence shows that having these different terms for different blue shades alters your perceptual skills. People are actually better (faster) able to distinguish between colour samples that have different names, than colours in the same linguistic category. This was not the case for english speakers who don’t have different terms for these blue shades [if you want to hear more about this part, see the notes at the bottom].

If language can alter your visual perception, it seems like an important place to start altering our subjectivities. We have such a paucity of terms to describe the beautiful and diverse types of relationships that we are capable of having, that I have tried to start collecting some new terminology.

My hope-othesis (aha ha) is that by creating and using new descriptive terms for different types of relationship, we might start to see these as all valid parts of our social spheres.

These are not about whether you are having sex or not, or whether you are poly or mono, whether you cohabit or not. Instead, these terms try to capture the kind of dynamic that you might have with someone. They can be applied to all types of relationship no matter the degree of intimacy. This is a living document — feel free to suggest new terms!

These are not supposed to be possessive terms for another humans either but are intended to be used more as verbs; we are copiloting, we are pair bonded >> they are my pilot, they are my pair bond.

Copilot :

A collaborative relationship with a vision for a future which takes each other into account. This term speaks to shared goals and projects, and casts physical and romantic qualities as secondary to the definition. Might include financial collaboration, cohabitation or not, this term is mostly about the intent to steer your ships together in roughly the same ultimate direction, in the longer term.

Chosen family :

Individuals or a group that you have decided to commit to building a life with that may or may not be blood relatives.

Hamsafar :

From the Urdu for ‘one who shares my journey’ ❤

The pair bond :

A very strong affinity between two or more. This kind of alliance includes the intention or vision for a lifelong bond. In non-human species, the pair bond implies an animal will have a strong preference for their pair bond over most other animals, but in the absence of their pair bond are known to engage with other animals.

Xenofam:

Xenofam are one’s chosen kin. Solidarity with the alien, the foreign over restrictive solidarity with the familiar.

Queerplatonic :

Described as a relationship which is more intense and intimate than is considered common or normal for a “friendship”, but doesn’t fit the traditional sexual-romantic couple model. See more here.

Hygge (pronounced hooga) :

A beautiful Danish word referring to warm, safe, coziness and togetherness. Here we use it to describe humans with whom we share warm, safe, cozy dynamics.
“It’s not just cozy with a blanket and a glass of wine, it’s also interpersonally cozy — so having a few people with you talking about issues and things you care deeply about. Having some candles lit, maybe a nice warm drink in your hand. Feeling safe and content.”

Comet :

An occasional who passes through one’s life semi-regularly, but without expectation of continuity or a ongoing relationship. Comets tend to be in different life orbits, but perhaps cyclically, come into each other’s path once more.

Meteor :

The high burn relationship, you know it’s going to crash and burn and it might make some mess on the way, but it’s also kind of beautiful. The hope in naming the car crash relationship is that people will be able to own these dynamics, mitigate the damage and enjoy the ride for what it is, a beautiful slow, time limited destruction that will surely end in annihilation. It is not recommended to engage in too many meteors relationships each year as it destroys the local landscape and stresses the local inhabitants of your life out.

Wabi-sabi :

Japanese term that describes our appreciation of transient and imperfect beauty — such as the fleeting splendor of cherry blossom. Here a transient and beautiful passing relationship (Also known as expiration dating).

Kin

Kin,” persons not bounded by ancestry or genealogy, outside of normative familial, genetic or even **species-bound** structures. As Haraway way calls in their recent book — “Make Kin Not Babies!”

Call of the Void :

The destructive relationship that you surely know will crash, from the french ‘L’appel du vide’, meaning the urge to jump from high places.

Metamour / paramour in time :

A new term for the relationship between ex-partners. We so often fail to acknowledge to potential bond between current and ex partners, or two ex partners of the same person. These two often know the same person intimately and in a way that no one else does. This can be a beautiful relationship and this term is used in the hope that it will balance out the negative ‘ex-girfriend / ex-boyfriend’ trope.

Friend in Law :

The friend of a dear friend.

Symbiote:

~ an organism living in symbiosis. Refers to a relationship where both are better off for being in partnership and collaboration.
Symbiote is an organism in a partnership with another such that each profits from their being together
Symbiont is an organism that lives in a symbiotic relationship
(from symbioûn “to live together”)